Life
by Lihau
Summary: Completely disastrous. Purely insane. That's life. At least for them. Rated for safety. Chapter 7 up! A miracle! faints
1. Fight No 1

**Disclaimer**: I don't own _Fruits Basket_ or any related characters or objects. Rats! …No offense, Yuki!

**A Note on Pairings**: There will be slight hints that both Yuki and Kyo have a crush on Tohru. _However_, that's as far as romance goes in this story. So if you were looking for romance, keep looking.

**A Note on Flashbacks**: Flashbacks will begin with two close parentheses and end with two open parentheses. Like so – )) Flashback ((

**A Note on Censorship**: "Hi," Yuki Sohma smiled. "No, the story hasn't started yet. Please be patient. Lihau just wanted me to tell you that, instead of putting swearwords all over the page, she has decided to censor the stupid cat's language."

"Don't call me 'stupid'!" yelled Kyo Sohma. "-CENSORED- mouse! Hey… what's going on?"

"I repeat: Lihau has censored all of the stupid cat's foul language from this page."

"I'm not stupid, -CENSORED- it—whaaaa?! You can't censor me, -CENSORED- it!"

"Too late… stupid cat…"

_Thanks Yuki—_

"What about me, you -CENSORED- author?!"

—_And Kyo. Now, on to the story!_

**Life**

**One: Fight No. 1**

"Please! Could you please stop fighting?" Tohru Honda pleaded.

_KRASH_

"My wall!" cried Shigure Sohma. Dropping to his knees, he grabbed Kyo Sohma's pant leg. He was dragged around a bit as Kyo tried to shake him off and continue fighting Yuki Sohma.

"My house!" Shigure all but sobbed. "Please, spare my house! My beautiful, glorious—"

_CLANG_

The television fell victim to a misplaced punch from Kyo.

"Nooooo!" Shigure wailed. "Please! Please!" he begged.

"Leggo of me!" shouted Kyo, shaking his leg violently in an attempt to free himself from the dog's grasp.

"Please stop fighting!" Tohru added to the ruckus.

"My house!" Shigure continued. "My house!"

Yuki, circling around the cat with a bored expression on his face, ended up near Tohru, who grabbed hold of his shoulder and said, "Please, Yuki, stop fighting with Kyo!"

"Miss Honda, you really shouldn't stand there," Yuki advised. He ducked another attack from Kyo, but the punch ended up on the side of Tohru's face. Tohru yelped and fell over.

"-CENSORED- rat!" Kyo yelled. "Now look what you did!"

"_You_ punched her, stupid cat," Yuki objected coolly. Turning to Tohru and then kneeling next to her, he put his hand over hers and asked with concern, "Are you alright, Miss Honda?"

Getting a hold of himself, Shigure stood up and, straightening out his clothes, began to speak. "My, Kyo, we certainly _are_ on a roll today, aren't we? Not only have you DESTROYED MY HOUSE—(sob)—but you have also PUNCHED OUT our beautiful flower! Oh, my poor little future bride!"

"She's _not_ gonna marry you, -CENSORED- it!" Kyo bellowed.

Tohru sat up dazedly as Yuki repeated, "Are you alright, Miss Honda?"

Leaping to her feet, Tohru exclaimed all at once, "Yes! I'm alright! I have to start cleaning! Oh, and thank you for worrying about me! I'm sorry for getting in your way! It's all my fault and I'm so sorry! Yes! Please forgive me!"

And with that, she dashed off to begin cleaning.

"You aren't going to let our _delicate flower_ clean up _your_ mess all by _herself_," Shigure gasped, "are you?"

Yuki, ignoring the dog, commented, "I think I'll help Miss Honda." The rat walked after her.

Shigure continued to meaningfully smirk at Kyo until the cat growled, "If you think _I'm_ cleaning _your_ house, you're _loco_! Idiot mutt!"

As Kyo stalked outside (most likely to the roof), Shigure called happily after him, "'_Loco_'? Why, Kyo! I had no _idea_ you were taking Spanish in school!"

_BONG_

Shigure fell backwards as something resembling a watering can plowed into his face.

"Kyo!" Shigure moaned feebly, slowly sitting up. "I have some new words for your wonderful new Spanish vocabulary! _¡Creo que voy a morir!_ You know what that means?"

…

"I think I am going to die!"

_KLUNK_

Shigure fell down again.

-

Kyo, sitting on the roof, continued grumbling all the expletives he knew. In other words, he was doing a whole lot of muttering. When he ran out of known swearwords, he even made up a few new ones. Very creative person.

"Tooohhhhrrrruuuu!"

Kyo glanced down at the sound of the young, cheery voice. He stifled a moan upon seeing Momiji and Hatsuharu Sohma.

"Tooooooohhhhrrrruuuuuuuuu!!"

"She's inside!" Kyo shouted down furiously. "Now will you shut the -CENSORED- up already?!"

"Waahh! Haru! Kyo's picking on me!" wailed the rabbit.

"Apparently," the ox monotoned.

"Make him stop!" Momiji exclaimed, staring up wide-eyed at the taller fifteen-year-old.

"Yeah, you crazy cow!" Kyo sneered, leaping to the ground. "_Make_ me stop!"

As Kyo approached him, Haru lightly tapped the cat in the chest with two knuckles.

"Stupid hamburger!" laughed Kyo derisively. "You think you can beat me with _that_?!"

"With that, no."

Haru kicked his cousin harshly in the shin.

"OWWW!" Kyo howled, hopping up and down frantically on one foot.

"With this, yes. Pathetic, kitty. Pathetic." The ox of the zodiac walked past the cat and, because he felt like hitting something else, decided to knock on the door for once.

Momiji, however, had other plans. The rabbit lunged forward and burst inside, shouting, "Tooohhhhrrrruuuu!"

Tohru came out of the kitchen and Momiji leapt into her arms. A little puff of smoke appeared and the bunny snuggled up against Tohru.

"Hello, Momiji!" Tohru cried after getting over her initial surprise.

"You shoulda been there, Tohru!" Momiji squealed. "Haru hit Kyo because Kyo was picking on me!"

Arching a single eyebrow as he stepped inside, Haru said, "You think I hit him for you."

"Yeahhh!" Momiji confirmed, closing his eyes and beaming.

Yuki, cheeks bright red, joined the other three. Shigure, just so you know, had picked himself up by this time and was now making paper airplanes in his study. Instead of writing his latest novel. The way he was supposed to.

Speaking somewhat slyly, Haru addressed the rat and said, "Did we… interrupt something?"

"Shut up," Yuki glared icily.

"Hm, this looks interesting," the ox continued, a devious glint entering his eyes.

"_Shut up_," the rat repeated, eyes narrowing.

"Very interest—"

"I SAID, SHUT UP!"

Yuki turned and stalked back into the kitchen.

"Yuki?" Tohru called after him worriedly.

"I'll talk to him," Haru volunteered.

Tohru nodded as Hatsuharu wandered into the galley.

"So," Haru began, leaning an elbow on the counter.

"So what?" Yuki grunted.

"Soooo…" Haru drew out.

Yuki gave him a look which clearly said to either say something worthwhile or shut up.

"What were you and Tohru doing when Momiji and I interrupted?"

"I was helping Miss Honda clean."

Smirking very slightly, Haru pressed, "Clean _what_, Yun-Yun?"

"Get your mind out of the sewers, cow! In case you didn't notice, it's very warm in here!" Yuki snapped. "_That's_ why my face is red, _okay_?"

Haru chuckled mentally, keeping a straight face. "Of course."

"Whatever you're thinking, stop thinking it."

"Who's thinking?"

"You. So stop it."

Haru shrugged. "Need any help, Galley-Slave?"

Yuki held up a mutilated rag and asked, "You know what I wish this was?"

Haru shook his head briefly and Yuki threw the rag into the garbage.

"I wish that was you."

-

Momiji, meanwhile, had transformed back and gotten dressed by this time and was now jabbering about something or other as he clung to Tohru's hand and bounced up and down.

Kyo interrupted, charging into the room while screaming, "WHERE'S THAT -CENSORED- SIDE OF BEEF?!"

Haru reentered the room.

"THERE YOU ARE! YOU'LL BE -CENSORED- HAMBURGER PATTIES WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU!"

And so began Round Two.

Shigure, hearing Kyo yelling, came rushing out of his study. He arrived just in time to see the cat and Black Haru crash into a vase, making it fall to the ground in several pieces. The dog yelped and dropped the half-folded paper airplane he'd been holding.

"Please! No! My house!!"


	2. Fighting Again

**Disclaimer**: I don't own _Fruits Basket_ or any related characters or objects. Rats! …No offense, Yuki!

**A Note on Flashbacks**: Flashbacks will begin with two close parentheses and end with two open parentheses. Like so – )) Flashback ((

**A Note on Censorship**: "Hi," Yuki Sohma smiled. "No, the story hasn't started yet. Please be patient. Lihau just wanted me to tell you that, instead of putting swearwords all over the page, she has decided to censor the stupid cat's language."

"Don't call me 'stupid'!" yelled Kyo Sohma. "-CENSORED- mouse! Hey… what's going on?"

"I repeat: Lihau has censored all of the stupid cat's foul language from this page."

"I'm not stupid, -CENSORED- it—whaaaa?! You can't censor me, -CENSORED- it!"

"Too late… stupid cat…"

_Thanks Yuki—_

"What about me, you -CENSORED- author?!"

—_And Kyo. Now, on to the story!_

**Life**

**Two: Fighting Again**

"It's alright," Tohru soothed, nervously patting the writer's arm.

"My house," Shigure blubbered, continuing to sob into his hands.

Kyo and Haru lay flat on their backs on the floor, a few feet away from each other, panting for breath. Momiji looked around at the mess and said, "Wow!"

Hearing the exclamation, Shigure squeezed his eyes shut tighter and said pleadingly, "It can't be that bad! Please tell me it's not that bad!"

All Momiji could do was reiterate: "Wow!"

"No-o-o!"

_Ring! Rrrring!_

Tohru leapt up. "Ah! The phone! I'll answer it!"

Of course she'd answer it. Kyo and Haru were half-dead, and Shigure was in no condition to do anything other than sit and sob at the moment.

The riceball ran frantically around the nearly demolished first floor, searching desperately for the phone. She finally found it underneath… what was that anyway? Ah, yes—a smashed-up bookshelf.

"H-hello?" Tohru at last panted into the phone.

"Tohru, my beautiful model!" the voice from the other end of the line greeted her. "I have a _stunning_ new dress that would fit you _gorgeously_! It was, of course, designed by the genius of _me_! Make me the happiest fashion guru in the world and try it on!"

Tohru blushed, "I'd love to, Ayame-san, but I'm going to be very busy cleaning the house for a while!"

"Have Kyon-Kyon and my _darling_ little brother been fighting again? Oh, you poor overworked child!"

"Yes, but I've already cleaned up that time—now it's Kyo-kun and Haru!"

"Oh, Kyonkichi, you've done it again!" Ayame Sohma belted out.

"I… heard that… -CENSORED- snake…" Kyo gasped.

"It's no trouble cleaning!" Tohru said. "I'm sorry! I-I shouldn't have worried you!"

Ayame laughed indulgently. "Nonsense, Tohru—by the way, is my adorable Gure there?"

"…Yes… but I'm not sure if he can talk at the moment…. I'll ask him!"

Tohru put her hand over the phone and said, "Ayame-san wants to talk to you, Shigure-san!"

Tears suddenly flying away, Shigure darted up to Tohru and took the phone, saying to her, "Thank you, my delicate blossom!"

"She's not your… delicate _anything_, perverted… mongrel!" Kyo yelled, sitting up as he regained his breath.

"Calm down, Kyon-Kyon, or you'll burst a blood vessel!" Shigure laughed.

"DON'T CALL ME 'KYON-KYON'!" Kyo hollered, launching himself into the air and wrapping both hands around Shigure's neck.

Shigure gurgled and dropped the phone as Kyo began strangling him.

"Kyo-kun!" Tohru cried, trying to pull the enraged cat away. "Please stop hurting Shigure-san!"

"-CENSORED-! I didn't ask for your help!" snapped Kyo.

Yuki, in case you were getting worried by now, had since returned—and had since left as soon as he saw Kyo and Haru recreating the Battle of Troy.

"Oooooh!" Momiji squealed, clapping his hands. "Tug o' war! I wanna be on Tohru's side!"

And so Momiji grabbed Tohru around the waist and began pulling.

"-CENSORED- it!" Kyo shouted.

Haru reached over and grabbed the phone, sitting cross-legged, and grunted into the device.

"Gure!" Ayame sang happily.

"Shigure-sensei is not available at this time," Haru said, speaking coolly like a voice messaging system. "If you care to leave a message, you may do so as soon as I hang up because I don't give a -CENSORED- about your -CENSORED- messages. Thank you."

The ox hung up the phone and settled down to watch the tug o' war battle. It was quite amusing to watch Shigure-sensei's face turn so many different colors. Teal… there was a new one.

"Please… Kyo-kun," Tohru pleaded breathlessly, still tugging on the cat's arm while the rabbit pulled at her.

"Are we winning?" Momiji asked innocently.

-

"You're fine. Frankly, I don't know why you even called me."

"But, Ha'riiii—Kyon-Kyon was strangling meeee!"

Hatori Sohma shook his head in something nearing disgust. "You'll be fine as soon as you stop whining."

"I'm not whining," Shigure whined. "I need medical help!"

"Don't you mean psychiatric assistance?"

"Tori!"

"Fine." The dragon (or seahorse) looked straight at Shigure. "You want my medical advice?"

Shigure nodded.

"You're sure?"

"Yes!" insisted the dog.

"Alright, then. I'll give it to you. …Shut up."

"Hey!" Shigure protested, sitting up in his bed.

Hatori put a hand over Shigure's mouth, pushing him back down. "Doctor's orders. I'm taking Momiji and Haru home now. I guess I'll see you sometime?"

Shigure opened his mouth.

"Ah-ah-ah," Hatori shook his head again. "No talking."

The dog pouted and nodded.

"Good-bye."

Exit Hatori.

-

Almost as soon as Hatori left, the phone rang. Tohru, again, answered.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Please!" the other voice begged. "Let me talk to Shigure!"

"Could you wait just a minute, please?"

Tohru put down the phone and hurried upstairs. She knocked on Shigure's bedroom door and said, "Shigure-san? You have a phone call—do you want to—?"

Shigure ran out of his room like he'd been fired from a cannon. He flew downstairs and asked into the phone, "Aya-dear?"

The dog pulled the phone away from his ear as the caller began screaming. He interrupted with, "Oh, hello, Mii! I just nearly got strangled—how are you?"

His editor continued shrieking and sobbing into the phone.

"I'm glad to hear that, Mii," Shigure smiled. "Any particular reason why you called?"

"The… deadline is… tomorrow! And… the book isn't… isn't… WAH-HA-HAAAAAAA!"

"Oh, is that all? A deadline, eh? And here I thought you'd be interested in the book I'd just finished writing."

"You—you finished a—a book?" Mii sniffled.

"Nah. Just kidding."

"…WAAAAAAAAH!"

"Yeah, it was nice hearing from you, too. Bye, Mii."

Shigure hung up.

-

The next day was a school day, so (of course) the younger folks went to school. It was a pretty uneventful day at Kaibara (Kaiwaia?) High. This, as you can probably guess, was very surprising and rare for Tohru and friends.

Anyway, when they got back home, Tohru, Kyo, and Yuki heard loud voices coming from Shigure's study.

"Please write!" Mii's voice was begging.

"How can I when my arms are tied to the chair? _Really_, Mii, you should've thought of that _before_."

"…"

There was the sound of running footsteps and then a soft click, like a door locking. More footsteps and then…

"There! You're untied! Please write! _Pleeeeaaasse_!"

"…Okay."

"I can't believe it," Kyo muttered. "The stupid dog is actually gonna _write_ something!"

The cat shook his head and went up to the roof.

"Do you need any help with your homework today, Miss Honda?" Yuki asked.

"No thank you, Yuki-kun," smiled Tohru. "I don't think so."

"Okay. I'll be in my room; let me know if Shigure escapes and starts harassing you," the mouse said before going upstairs.

Tohru nodded. She was about to start studying when there was a squeak of surprise from the study.

Mii exclaimed, "Since when am I in your story?!"

"Since I wrote a scene involving a fatal traffic accident," Shigure snickered.

"Please! Wri-i-ite…" Mii sobbed.

Tohru smiled a bit and shook her head—Shigure really was so cruel to his editor. She walked up to the study door and knocked, calling, "Shigure-san?"

"Ah! My savior!" Shigure shouted. "My beautiful flower has come to my rescue!"

"Can I get you or Ms. Mii anything?"

"A new writer, please!" Mii called back desperately.

"Aww, Mii, that hurts!" Shigure said, pouting.

"Are you injured, Shigure-san?" gasped Tohru, immediately panicking.

"Yes, my blossom! Right here!"

"Where?"

"Here!"

"I-I can't see you, Shigure-san! Tell me where it hurts! I will get something to make it better! A sore throat? I can get some tea! Your head? I'll get an ice pack!"

"My heart!" Shigure proclaimed dramatically.

"Ah!" Tohru shrieked. She ran off, speeding around the house. Going first upstairs, then the roof. All the while shouting, "Yuki! Kyo! Call Hatori-san! Shigure-san is having a heart attack!"

Yuki, following her back to the living room, asked, "Are you sure, Miss Honda?"

Kyo, leaning against the doorway, snorted, "Eh, the stupid whiner's probably just makin' it up!"

Tohru protested, "But, Kyo, Shigure-san _said_—"

"He says a lot," Kyo interrupted.

"But it never means anything," Yuki put in.

"-CENSORED- rat! _I_ was gonna say that!"

"You say a lot," Yuki pretended to yawn.

"Alright, mouse, we're finishing this here and now!"

"Please!" Tohru interjected. "Shigure-san needs our help!"

Yuki, still dubious, walked up to the study and knocked on the door. "Shigure?" he said.

…

"Shigure?"

The rat frowned, wondering what those strange sounds were. It sounded like someone was dying in there, alright…

Smiling slightly, he suddenly realized—it was Mii, weeping her eyes out, and Shigure, laughing his head off.

"He's alright, Miss Honda," Yuki stated. "Let me know when he comes out, so I can hit him for worrying you," he added over his shoulder, returning to his room.

"No, please! Don't hit him!" Tohru requested.

"If Yuki hits the mutt," Kyo decided, "I can hit the -CENSORED- rat! Maybe I'll beat him up, anyways… both of 'em!" His eyes went wide for a moment before they narrowed again. "But it's not for you! I'd do it anyway, so don't get any ideas!"

With the wonderful thought of annihilating Yuki and Shigure still bouncing around his brain, Kyo went back up to the roof.

"Please don't!" Tohru called after him. "Beat them up, I mean!" She sighed and sank down into the couch. Glancing around, she smiled, thinking how lucky she was to be with a nice family like the Sohmas.


	3. The Quitter

**Disclaimer**: I don't own _Fruits Basket_ or any related characters or objects. Rats! …No offense, Yuki!

**A Note on Flashbacks**: Flashbacks will begin with two close parentheses and end with two open parentheses. Like so – )) Flashback ((

**A Note on Censorship**: "Hi," Yuki Sohma smiled. "No, the story hasn't started yet. Please be patient. Lihau just wanted me to tell you that, instead of putting swearwords all over the page, she has decided to censor the stupid cat's language."

"Don't call me 'stupid'!" yelled Kyo Sohma. "-CENSORED- mouse! Hey… what's going on?"

"I repeat: Lihau has censored all of the stupid cat's foul language from this page."

"I'm not stupid, -CENSORED- it—whaaaa?! You can't censor me, -CENSORED- it!"

"Too late… stupid cat…"

_Thanks Yuki—_

"What about me, you -CENSORED- author?!"

—_And Kyo. Now, on to the story!_

**Life**

**Three: The Quitter**

Next day, after school, Tohru peeked into Shigure's study. The dog was sitting at his desk, talking to Hatori about something… and smoking a cigarette. Actually, both of them were smoking.

Tohru rapidly gave a few knocks on the doorway.

Shigure looked up and exclaimed, "Tohru! My beautiful flower! What brings you here?"

"I… may I talk to you for a moment, Shigure-san?" she asked meekly. "Ah! That is, if it isn't too much trouble! It can wait—I mean, actually maybe it can't, but that's okay! If you're busy—!"

"Ha'ri," Shigure interrupted, "I'll be back in a minute. I have to speak with my lovely blossom!"

"Fine," the dragon said. Hatori tapped at his watch briefly. "Make it a short minute. I have to go."

"Abso-tutely!" Shigure exclaimed cheerfully. He doused his cigarette on the ashtray and followed Tohru into the living room. "Yes?"

Tohru stammered incoherently for a few moments before falling to the floor, bursting into sobs. Shigure knelt down in front of her, a look of surprised bafflement plastered on his face.

"Tohru… Tohru, what's the matter?" he asked. He smiled, "You didn't just burn dinner, did you?"

"No!" Tohru shook her head tearfully. "I-it's not that! At—at school they had a special program about s-smoking and c-c-cigarettes and—and—!" Tohru sobbed for a moment more before concluding, "You and Hatori-san smoke! Y-you're gonna get black lungs a-and you'll get l-l-lung cancer and you'll d-d-d—oh, Shigure-san!"

Shigure was dumbfounded for a moment. Finding his voice again, he finally said, "It's alri—"

"No, it's not!" Tohru wailed. "Y-you're going to—I don't want you to d-d-die!"

"If you're so upset about it…" Shigure mused, standing up. He took a cigarette pack off the coffee table. "Look." As soon as Tohru looked up through her fingers, he dropped the small box into the trash can. "There. I quit."

"Shigure-san!" Tohru exclaimed. She couldn't resist the urge to jump up and hug him.

_POOF_

"I'm so sorry!" cried Tohru, dropping to her knees next to the black dog. "I was just so happy that I—I couldn't help myself!"

"It's okay," Shigure said, nuzzling her hand with his wet nose.

Having heard the poofing noise, Kyo and Yuki entered the room to see who'd transformed.

Kyo immediately kicked dog-Shigure halfway across the room, shouting, "Pervert! Get outta here before you transform back!"

"Oh, Tohru," Shigure said with mock tears. "Kyon-Kyon is so meeeeaaann!"

"Ah! Please be nice to Shigure-san, Kyo-kun," Tohru pleaded, handing Shigure his clothes just before the canine trotted out of the room. "He's just quit smoking!"

"He did?" the rat and the cat chorused, clearly surprised. Tohru nodded happily.

"Good," Kyo decided. "Now he won't stink up the house any more than he has to." He left the room.

"Don't you want to help him quit, Kyo-kun?" Tohru called after him.

Kyo's laughter echoed throughout the house as he went outside.

"_You'll_ help me help Shigure-san, won't you, Yuki-kun?" Tohru asked pleadingly. "Ah! I mean, only if you _want_ to!"

A small smile curled Yuki's mouth upward. From what he'd heard, quitting smoking could be an unpleasant (but, of course, rewarding) experience for the quitter. Help Shigure feel miserable for the next several weeks, or longer? Oh, yeah.

"Of course I'll help, Miss Honda," Yuki replied. "In fact, I already have an idea on how to help him."

"Oh, that's wonderful!" Tohru clapped her hands ecstatically. "What is it?"

-

"This was such a wonderful idea, Yuki-kun," beamed Tohru.

She picked up the last pack of cigarettes in the house and dumped the cigarettes into a black garbage bag. Ripping open a packet of stop-smoking gum, she dumped the contents into the empty cigarette container. After discarding the packaging, she put the gum-filled cigarette box back onto Shigure's desk.

Yuki smiled back. Even if Shigure hadn't truly been planning to quit, he sure didn't have any choice now!

-

"So," Kyo, an evil glint in his eye, looked at Shigure. "How's the quittin' goin'?"

"Shut up."

"Are you alright, Shigure-san?" Tohru asked anxiously.

Shigure smiled brightly, "I haven't smoked in five days!" Slumping down onto the table, he moaned, "I feel awful…"

"You'll get over it," Kyo scoffed. "Stop whining."

"Meanwhile," the rat commented coolly to the dog, "you might want to get your face out of your dinner."

"M-m-mm-mmm," Shigure mumbled into his bowl.

"Is the food not good, Shigure-san?" Tohru said quickly. "I can make you something else if you'd like!"

"He's fine," Kyo decided. "He's just being an idiot."

Yuki, picking up a spoonful of his stew, agreed, "Yes, you certainly—oh, you were talking about Shigure…"

"Shut up, you -CENSORED- rat!"

"You always say that," Yuki murmured. "Funny, it never works… I'm still talking…"

"We're taking this outside!" Kyo shouted, jumping up and nearly turning the table over. "Get up and fight, coward!"

"No! Please!" Tohru exclaimed. "Don't fight!"

Too late—Kyo had already swung a wild punch at Yuki's head. The rat bowed his head slightly, causing the attack to miss him completely.

Shigure snapped back into an upright position, finally hearing the commotion.

"No! Not again!" he yelled. "My hou—outside!" Shigure pushed Kyo and dragged Yuki outside. "Fight outside! Kill each other! But don't hurt my house!"

Yuki began to walk back inside when the cat lunged to attack him from behind. The rat paused and held his right foot back slightly, causing Kyo to smack his face and sprawl to the ground.

Closing the door, Yuki muttered, "Baka neko."

-

A few weeks later, just before going to bed, Tohru looked at the picture of her mother and smiled.

_Oh, Mom, we did it! We got Shigure-san to quit smoking! He was pretty grumpy for a while, but now he feels great—and he wants to take us all to the lake again to celebrate and spend more time with us! Kyo and Yuki got very… excited…_

)) "That sounds wonderful, Shigure-san," Tohru smiled. "I'm so glad that you've quit smoking, and it's really good that you want to spend more time with Kyo-kun and Yuki-kun!"

"Why the -CENSORED- would we wanna be stuck with _you_, day and night, for two days?!" Kyo shouted.

"How would we be getting there, anyway?" Yuki added, glaring slightly. "I doubt if Hatori would enjoy having to drive us again."

"That's the wonderful thing about it!" Shigure beamed. "Guess who just got his driver's license!"

Kyo and Yuki stared in horror at the dog.

"You didn't," they said.

"Of course not!" laughed Shigure. "It's Aya! He's passed the driving test and—"

"_No_," Yuki interrupted, before even Kyo could protest.

The door suddenly burst open and… ((

_Ayame-san came into the room then, explaining that he was all set to leave whenever we were._

)) "Wonderful, Aya!" Shigure smiled. "Just wait about three days and we can leave!"

"You mean… all my hard work packing my own bags has been wasted?" Ayame gasped. He sobbed, "Oh, Gure-san, surely one of us is mistaken! It cannot be me, as I am perfect in every way—"

"Except for the sanity department," Yuki muttered, coldly staring at his brother.

"YUKI!" Ayame shouted. "My DARLING little brother who is so much like me and is therefore ALSO perfect in every way! Come, come! We shall do some brotherly bonding by the lake!"

Yuki gave a small smile. "I'll make a deal with you, _Nii_-san."

"My brother wishes to make a deal with his wise elder!" Ayame announced dramatically. "Yes, my beloved brother!"

"_You_ go to the lake. _You_ bond. _I_ stay here. …_I don't_."

"But YUN-YUN!" Ayame bellowed. "How can we bond if we AREN'T TOGETHER?!"

"We can't," Yuki nodded.

"Then WHY—?!"

"Why don't you go get in your car and crash into something?" Yuki suggested darkly. ((

_We managed to hurry and pack our things right away, and Shigure-san even helped me persuade Yuki-kun to join us._

)) "_Let go_," Yuki demanded.

"Ha-ha-ha!" Shigure laughed. "Why would I do a stupid thing like that?"

"Because you _are_ stupid," Kyo muttered, slumping down in his seat.

"If I let you go," reasoned Shigure merrily, "you'll run off!"

Yuki continued to squirm furiously. "I'll get in the car myself! Just let go!"

Tohru looked worriedly at Yuki, flung over Shigure's right shoulder, as she followed after the dog and the rat. "Your face is very red, Yuki-kun—are you alright?"

Yuki stopped his thrashing protests for a moment. Just long enough to say, "Yes, Miss Honda, I'm fine."

"Good," she smiled. "…Because you always look very cute. Blushing, I mean."

The rat once again stopped his fight to stare at Tohru.

"Thank you," Shigure sang to Tohru as she scooted over to sit next to Kyo. The dog, since Yuki was still a bit surprised and a lot embarrassed, had no trouble sitting Yuki down next to Tohru.

"Our princess is so tactful!" Ayame proclaimed, jiggling his hands against the steering wheel excitedly. "Well, let's off to the lake!" ((

_I'm sure we'll all have a wonderful time at the lake, Mom. I'll talk to you again soon._

* * *

**Yay, alright! I got Shigure to quit smoking! (dances) Maybe I'll make Hatori quit in a few chapters, too!**

Hatori: Joy.

**You're a doctor! You oughtta know smoking is bad for you!**

Hatori: I can quit on my own. I don't need an insane, superfluous author to help me.

**No fair! Big words! (grabs dictionary) ...Hey! I am _so_ necessary! I'm the one typing this story! I'm giving you _LIFE_!**

Hatori: (yawns)

**Grr... I'll make you quit yet!**

Hatori: I'm petrified.


	4. Vacation?

**Disclaimer**: I don't own _Fruits Basket_ or any related characters or objects. Rats! …No offense, Yuki!

**A Note on Flashbacks**: Flashbacks will begin with two close parentheses and end with two open parentheses. Like so – )) Flashback ((

**A Note on Censorship**: "Hi," Yuki Sohma smiled. "No, the story hasn't started yet. Please be patient. Lihau just wanted me to tell you that, instead of putting swearwords all over the page, she has decided to censor the stupid cat's language."

"Don't call me 'stupid'!" yelled Kyo Sohma. "-CENSORED- mouse! Hey… what's going on?"

"I repeat: Lihau has censored all of the stupid cat's foul language from this page."

"I'm not stupid, -CENSORED- it—whaaaa?! You can't censor me, -CENSORED- it!"

"Too late… stupid cat…"

_Thanks Yuki—_

"What about me, you -CENSORED- author?!"

—_And Kyo. Now, on to the story!_

**Life**

**Four: Vacation?**

"I can't believe it," Kyo said as they pulled up in front of the lake house. "We made it in one piece."

Yuki, arms folded tightly over his chest, nodded bitterly, "And all we did was crash into two newspaper stands, overturn a park bench, destroy five chairs from an outdoor dining room, remove the tail feathers of three pigeons, fall a young tree, and decapitate an ancient statue."

Ayame chuckled, "Nobody's perfect…"

"I thought you said you—"

"…Except for me! All minor accidents, not my fault!"

"Right," Kyo snapped. "Self-defense, right? Those _vicious_ issues of the Daily Yomiuri were gonna attack!"

"Certainly, Kyonkichi-kun!" Ayame agreed fervently. "I'm so glad you see it my way!"

"Don't call me that name!" Kyo yelled. "And that was sarcasm, -CENSORED- it!"

"Let's all just be glad that we're all here together for two entire days," Tohru piped up, trying to lighten the mood.

Kyo and Yuki turned to look at her disbelievingly, while Ayame and Shigure immediately sided with Tohru.

"Two GLORIOUS days with my DARLING little brother!"

"Yes, and you should start right away," Shigure said quickly. "I _know_ Yuki is eager to spend time with you! Why don't you two go ahead and start bonding? Kyon and I will help our beautiful flower unpack our things!"

"Yes!" Ayame exclaimed. "A wonderful idea, Gure-san! Let Yuki and Ore-sama begin our bonding!"

(A/N: "Ore-sama", so I've been informed by Wikipedia, is an arrogant pronoun meaning "my esteemed self".)

"I'd rather die," Yuki commented flatly, in no way making a move to follow Ayame's example of leaving the vehicle.

"Go and bond, rat!" snapped Kyo. "Get the idiot snake outta our hair!"

After a few moments of being completely silent, Yuki finally got out of the car and trudged down to the lake, Ayame cheerfully shouting and running after him.

"Well, then, that just leaves Kyon to carry the bags in," Shigure decided as the brothers moved further away from the rest of the group.

"ME?!" Kyo blurted out. "You, too! I ain't doing it by myself!" He looked disdainfully at the car's trunk as he got out from the backseat. "And I'm _definitely_ not touching the girly-boy's stuff!" The cat muttered to himself, "Probably has rat-germs all over it."

"Oh, alright," sniffled Shigure. "I'll help carry in the bags… even though I have a bad back… and it could quite possibly break from under the strain of the luggage…"

Tohru gasped, horrified, and immediately hopped out of the car. "I-I can help Kyo-kun with the bags, Shigure-san!"

"No, my beautiful little Tohru," Shigure said, forcing a few tears to his eyes for extra effect. "I'll do it, for your sake…"

"SHUT UP!" Kyo yelled at him, whapping the pooch on the back of the head.

"Owwww…" whined the writer, slumping over to the trunk and taking out the smallest bag he could find before slouching up to the house.

"Oh, for…." Kyo grabbed two big suitcases, one for each hand, and a couple of small ones to tuck under his arms.

"Wow, you're very strong, Kyo-kun," Tohru gushed.

"Not strong enough for that -CENSORED- rodent," muttered Kyo bitterly, promptly downplaying Tohru's compliment.

"But let me help you with one of those," Tohru offered. "They must be really heavy." She quickly pulled a large bag from his left hand…

…And fell over without delay.

"I was right," Tohru decided feebly as she pitifully looked up at Kyo. "It _is_ heavy."

"Just leave it to me," Kyo told her, taking back the travel case. "It's too big for you."

"Thank you," she said to Kyo's back as the cat walked away.

Kyo was silent for a moment, making her think that she hadn't spoken loud enough, but finally mumbled, "Welcome."

Let's join Yuki and Ayame at the lake now, shall we?

Yuki stared out at the lake, trying desperately to block out Ayame's constant jabbering. It wasn't working. At all. He finally decided to interrupt.

"Nii-san," he disrupted the snake's one-sided conversation.

"Yes, most precious of all little brothers!"

The rat gave a start but didn't break his gaze from the cool waters. That idiot fashionista sounded awfully near. In fact, too close for comfort. He turned his head to face Ayame, then stumbled to the side, almost falling down after seeing his nose almost touching his brother's.

Still breathing quickly from his unpleasant surprise, Yuki snapped, "Haven't you ever heard of personal space?!"

"Of course!"

"Do you know what it _means_?"

"Certainly!"

"Somehow I doubt that," sighed Yuki. "Look. If I'm going to be stuck with this 'brotherly bonding' trash, we're going to set down a few ground rules _right now_."

"Yes! Rules! Wonderful!" Ayame swept an arm dramatically around Yuki's shoulders. He closed his eyes and sighed before bellowing, "Already, our bond strengthens! I can feel it growing every passing moment!"

"Get off me," growled Yuki, pushing the snake's hand away. "Rule number one: don't touch me."

"But, Yun-Yun!" protested Ayame loudly. "How can we become closer if I am not permitted to hug you?!"

"_Especially_ no hugging."

"BUT, YUN-YUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Rule number two: no yelling in my ear," Yuki glared.

"BUT—"

"Fine, then," Yuki decided. "Forget the whole stupid thing." He turned and started to walk off.

"No! A-alright! No shouting!" Ayame held up two fingers. "I promise, Yun-Yun!"

The rat stopped and turned back to his brother. "Rule number three: don't call me 'Yun-Yun'."

"BU—but, Yun—Yuki!"

Yuki gave an inward smirk of satisfaction. He could see progress in the deportment of his brother already.

"Fourth and final rule: if I say for you to leave me alone, _leave me alone_. And I'm saying it now."

Ayame lunged forward, glomping his brother and shouting, "BUT, YUN-YUN!!!!!!!!!"

_Back to where we started, I see,_ thought Yuki with a sigh. _Well then, I guess there's only one thing to do…_

Yuki pulled Ayame's hair, forcing the snake's ear close to his mouth, and hollered at the top of his lungs, "GET OFFA ME!"

The silver-haired man was floored by this exclamation and sprawled out over the grass.

_…Fight fire with fire_.


	5. Camping

**Disclaimer: I don't own _Fruits Basket_ or any related characters or objects. Rats! …No offense, Yuki!**

**A Note on Flashbacks: Flashbacks will begin with two close parentheses and end with two open parentheses. Like so – )) Flashback ((**

**A Note on Censorship: "Hi," Yuki Sohma smiled. "No, the story hasn't started yet. Please be patient. Lihau just wanted me to tell you that, instead of putting swearwords all over the page, she has decided to censor the stupid cat's language."**

**"Don't call me 'stupid'!" yelled Kyo Sohma. "-CENSORED- mouse! Hey… what's going on?"**

**"I repeat: Lihau has censored all of the stupid cat's foul language from this page."**

**"I'm not stupid, -CENSORED- it—whaaaa?! You can't censor me, -CENSORED- it!"**

**"Too late… stupid cat…"**

_**Thanks Yuki—**_

**"What about me, you -CENSORED- author?!"**

**—_And Kyo. Now, on to the story!_**

**Life**

**Chapter Five: Camping**

"I have an idea!" Shigure exclaimed, bursting into the kitchen.

Now if he'd burst into an empty room, this wouldn't be a problem. However, Kyo happened to be standing right in front of the door, so the cat was sent flying across the kitchen until he finally was stopped by the opposite wall. The Kyo-shaped outline impressed into the wall—quite an aesthetically pleasing touch—was revealed when he slid to the floor.

Not only that, but the canine's cry also startled Tohru, who dropped an entire bowlful of hot rice on her feet, and Yuki, who cut his thumb with the knife he'd been using to slice salmon. Tohru was too mortified by Shigure's sudden entrance to so much as notice the hot food beginning to burn at her sock-clad feet, but Yuki was all too aware of the throbbing flesh that he rapidly thrust under the cool water he made the faucet dispense.

As soon as the little dizzy marks stopped swirling around Kyo's head, the neko and the nezumi shouted their cousin's name furiously and lunged forward with murderous gleams in their eyes.

"AHHHH!" yelped Shigure, spinning around to frantically dash off. They ran around the lake house a few times and finally returned to the galley, where the writer promptly hid behind Tohru. This put him between the onigiri and the counter. "Protect me, my beautiful flower!"

"She's not your flower!" Yuki, struggling to get at Shigure without hurting Tohru, yelled.

"Get out here, coward!" bellowed Kyo, clawing viciously at the dog's head. "Get out here so we can BEAT YOU UP!!!"

"Tohru-kuuuuuuuuuun!" whined Shigure desperately. "Help meeeeeeeee!"

"SHUT UP!" Kyo and Yuki shouted.

Tohru, frenetically racking her brains for a way to calm everyone down, finally resorted to forcing a smile and commenting, "I-isn't this wonderful? Yuki-kun and Kyo-kun are working together!"

The two mentioned Sohmas froze briefly before staring at each other.

Clearly relieved, Shigure unwisely piped up, "Yes! My princess! I am indebted to you!"

'Unwisely' because Yuki and Kyo, at this remark from the author, apparently made a silent agreement to kill him together. _Then_ they'd go back to killing each other.

"I'll knock his head off!" Kyo hollered as they went back to trying to get at Shigure. "You hide the body!"

"Not until after I kick him a few times myself," Yuki retorted.

"YUKI, MY DARLING BROTHER!"

The darling brother stood stock-still for a moment, then told the cat, "Let me know when he's dead," and stormed off, perhaps to find a shovel, perhaps to plot a second murder—that of a certain serpent.

"YUN-YUN!!!" boomed Ayame, dancing after the rat.

As we leave Ayame to initiate the brotherly bonding thing with Yuki, Shigure is making one last attempt to dissuade Kyo's obvious intentions to spill blood.

"D-don't you wanna hear my idea, Kyon-Kyon?" stuttered the dog.

"DON'T CALL ME 'KYON-KYON'!" roared Kyo.

"Ah!" Tohru squeaked. "P-please stop, Kyo-kun!"

"Yes, Kyo-kun, please stop!" Shigure agreed. "Just let me tell you my brilliant idea before you do me in!"

Kyo, deciding to be generous and grant his cousin the customary final request, took a step back and, fists still clenched, grunted, "Fine. Talk _fast_."

"I was thinking that we could all go camping together!" blurted Shigure. "Wouldn't that be fun?" he laughed nervously.

"Tohru, go to another room and clean the stupid rice off your feet," Kyo ordered. "I don't want any witnesses."

With the oh-so-traditional sweat-drop, Shigure wondered, "Ah, you didn't change your mind?"

_WAM!_

No, that wasn't Kyo punching Shigure. That was Ayame, floating through the air (with the greatest of ease) and bowling over the cat.

"Yun-Yun! How marvelous! We have made a connection!!"

So it was a connection between fist and jaw, but hey. A connection was a connection!

Yuki moved to stand in the doorway, fists clenched, as he ground out, "Leave me alone."

"But do you not want to strengthen our brotherly bond?!"

"No," replied Yuki, as Kyo stood up and muttered to himself, "_What_ bond?"

Ayame ignored Yuki's response, instead electing to answer Kyo's question with, "The glorious bond that my most precious of all little brothers is forming with me! Even as we speak!"

"Most pre—Ayame," Yuki sighed tired, rubbing his temples. "I'm your _only_ brother."

"All the more reason for us to strengthen our bond!"

"Will you shut up with the bonds, already?!"

If Yuki's face got very much redder, Tohru's temptation to call the fire department just might have overcome her.

Wait… was that _steam_ seeping from the rat's ears?

Kyo, who all this time had been debating whether to kill the dog first or the snake, was having one heck of a time figuring out how he could dispose of both of them at once. Not patient enough to work this out right now, the cat concluded that the one who ticked him off most recently would die first.

Meaning Ayame.

Tohru saw that the two older Sohmas were both running the very real risk of sudden death and, not wanting anyone to be murdered in cold blood, decided that the best way to stop it all quickly would be to do a little strategic hugging.

Thus, there were two puffs of smoke, one orange and one violet, signaling the transformations of Kyo and Yuki.

"I-I'm sorry!" she called out immediately. "I-I just don't want Shigure-san and Ayame-san to get hurt!"

Shigure wasted no time in picking up rat-Yuki by the tail and laughing.

"I won't be like this forever, you know," Yuki pointed out as the writer set him back down, still giggling gleefully. Turning to Tohru, he said, "Miss Honda, I'm going to my room until I change back. Could you please bring my clothes for me?"

Cat-Kyo snorted. "-CENSORED- rat. You're so puny and weak you have to ask someone to carry your clothes for you."

Yuki seemed to ignore this as he walked to his room but, while walking past Kyo, stopped just long enough to bite the orange feline's paw.

Kyo howled and dove after Yuki.

You've heard of cat and dog fights? Well, change a few letters and you'd get what this was: A cat and rat fight.

"Ha!" the neko exclaimed soon enough. "_Now_ I'll make you say 'I'm sorry'!" He had the nezumi pinned down under one paw.

"Yes, you certainly are. In fact, you're just about the sorriest living being I've ever met." Yuki was just about to bite the cat again, but before that—

_POOF!_

—he changed back.

As Tohru squealed and quickly turned around, Yuki promptly pulled his clothing back on. Just when Yuki informed the riceball that it was safe to look again, the curse conveniently decided that it was about time Kyo reverted to his human form.

"Well, well, well," Shigure commented as Kyo got dressed. Looking at the clock on the wall, he continued, "It's about time we get started. Tohru-kun, is the food ready?"

"Yes, Shigure-san!"

Kyo blinked before staring at Tohru and demanding, "You _knew_?!"

"Ah…" began Tohru anxiously. "Yes! I-I'm sorry, Kyo-kun! Shigure-san wanted to surprise you and Yuki-kun! Oh, I should have told you! I'm so sorry!" And she began bowing frantically, repeating, "Sorry, sorry, sorry…!"

"Okay! I get it!" Rubbing the back of his neck and looking intently at the ground, Kyo agreed, "Fine, I'll go."

Yuki glanced around and finally asked the riceball, "What are you talking about?"

"We're going camping!" Tohru exclaimed. "Isn't it wonderful?"

"…Camping," echoed Yuki. He pointed at Ayame while still looking at Tohru. "With him?"

"Yes!" Ayame boomed, sliding an arm around his brother's shoulders. "Fear not, little brother, we _will_ share a tent! And I shall tell you stories of the Mabudachi Trio's high school days! It will be _SUCH_ a marvelous experience for you!"

Kyo began smirking before he suddenly wondered, "How many tents are there, anyway?"

"Three," stated Shigure. "Oh, but you can have your own tent, Kyon-Kyon—I'll share quarters with our beautiful Tohru!"

As Tohru's face turned several dozen different shades of red, Kyo and Yuki, who'd now apparently decided to beat Ayame up later, yelled, "You will not!"

"And I'm _not_ sharing a tent with _you_!" Yuki added to the snake.

Shigure butted in, "Alright then! Tohru-kun will have a tent to herself, I will share a tent with Aya, and Kyo and Yuki can sleep together!"

Deciding to temporarily ignore the perverted implications Shigure was certainly making in the last part of his speech, the rat and the cat glared at each other.

"I'll sleep outside," they chorused. Glaring harder, they said together, "Then I'll sleep in the tent."

"Not with me, you won't," Yuki stated.

"Then _you_ keep the stupid tent!" shouted Kyo.

"And not be able to see you if you decide to bother Miss Honda? No, thank you."

Glowering at each other a moment longer, they proclaimed, "I'm not going!"

"Y-you aren't?" Tohru whispered, immediately making the boys feel bad for upsetting her.

"We'll go, Miss Honda," Yuki finally decided after a moment of awkward silence. "Neither one of us will use the tent."

"'Cause _some_one has to make sure those two idiots don't start bugging you!" Kyo added, glaring threateningly at those two idiots.

"Oh, how noble of you, Yun-Yun!" Ayame exclaimed, eyes watering as he proudly placed both hands on the rat's shoulders. Kyo would have commented that Yuki wasn't the only one acting noble if it wasn't for his desire to let Yuki have Ayame all to himself.

Yuki smiled at the snake-cursed. "Get your hands off me or you'll be driving us home with your feet."

…

"What a wonderful idea!" sang out Ayame. "I can show you that I am so talented and dexterous that I can drive a car with my feet!"

Simultaneously hitting the silver-haired fashionista on the head, the two teenaged Sohmas yelled, "_Don't you dare!_"

As Ayame went crying to Shigure for comfort, Kyo scowled at Yuki, "Don't go giving your stupid brother any more stupid ideas, stupid rat. My knuckles might start getting sore."

"It's so sad," Yuki seemingly-randomly commented.

"What is, Yuki-kun?" Tohru piped up.

"That the only descriptive word that he apparently knows is 'stupid'… well, I suppose it's fitting that the only adjective in his vocabulary describes himself…"

"THAT DOES IT!!" Kyo bellowed, "WE'RE TAKING THIS OUTSIDE… later. It's gonna rain."

Shigure, still soothing Ayame, looked up. The author retorted, "No it's not. The weather this morning said that there would be clear skies and a warm breeze—perfect camping weather."

"They lied. It's gonna rain, and _I'm_ gonna take a nap." And the cat-cursed accordingly slouched off to do so, already seeming a bit sluggish.

"It—but—it can't rain!" blurted Shigure. "I had it all planned! And Tohru-kun has so much delicious food prepared!"

"That's alright, Shigure-san," Tohru replied. She smiled, "We can camp inside!"

"…"

"We can set up the tents in here, and we can toast marshmallows over the stove, and Kyo-kun won't have to go out in the rain!" She beamed.

"Excellent!" Ayame cried. "Yun-Yun, call Kyonkichi down so that we may begin!" Shigure nodded happily in agreement.

Yuki frowned at his brother and cousin before grudgingly shouting, "Hey, you stupid cat! We're going to camp inside! Get down here!"

Sweat-dropping, Shigure and Ayame thought, _I could have done that…_

After a minute passed with no reply, Tohru walked over to the kitchen door and called, "Kyo-kun?"

And from the cat came the reply of…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHH!!!"

* * *

**A/N:** I hope you liked this extra-long chapter that I put together for you and, since I _do_ have an idea for a sixth chappie, expect weekly or every-other-weekly updates until completion! Thanks for your patience and your readership:-) 


	6. Run, Kyo, Run

**Disclaimer: I don't own _Fruits Basket_ or any related characters or objects. Rats! …No offense, Yuki!**

**A Note on Flashbacks: Flashbacks will begin with two close parentheses and end with two open parentheses. Like so – )) Flashback ((**

**A Note on Censorship: "Hi," Yuki Sohma smiled. "No, the story hasn't started yet. Please be patient. Lihau just wanted me to tell you that, instead of putting swearwords all over the page, she has decided to censor the stupid cat's language."**

**"Don't call me 'stupid'!" yelled Kyo Sohma. "-CENSORED- mouse! Hey… what's going on?"**

**"I repeat: Lihau has censored all of the stupid cat's foul language from this page."**

**"I'm not stupid, -CENSORED- it—whaaaa?! You can't censor me, -CENSORED- it!"**

**"Too late… stupid cat…"**

_**Thanks Yuki—**_

**"What about me, you -CENSORED- author?!"**

**—_And Kyo. Now, on to the story!_**

**Chapter Six: Run, Kyo, Run**

"Get her away, get her away, get her—!!"

"Kyo, my love!"

"AAAAAAHH!!!" Kyo, appearing extremely energetic given the weather conditions, burst into the kitchen, Kagura not far behind.

Scrambling around the room and making a general mess as Tohru, Yuki, Shigure, and Ayame stared, Kyo yelled, "Get away from me, crazy woman!"

"But, Kyo, I—_LOVE YOU!!!_"

BANG!

SMACK!

"OW!"

WAP!

CRASH!

"AAAH!"

BAM!

…

"Kyo!" Kagura gasped, dropping to her knees and lifting her poor love's head onto her lap. "Kyo, my love, who did this to you? …Yuki-kun! You were fighting him again, weren't you?!"

Head bowed, Yuki wandered out of the room, hands deep in his pockets as he murmured, "I am _not_ related to these people… there was a mix-up at the hospital…"

Accordingly, the ever-gullible Tohru gasped, "Oh, Yuki-kun! Why did you not tell me? N-not that it makes a difference whether you're a Sohma or not…!"

As Shigure, Yuki, and Ayame sweat-dropped, Kyo blinked his eyes open and, once Kagura desperately inquired as to his health, leapt at least five feet straight up into the air.

"GAH! Get away from me!"

"But, Kyo-kun, we must stay close to each other," Kagura reasoned. "We _are_ engaged, after all."

"No we aren't!"

"We _are_," insisted the boar-cursed.

"Well, then, I'm breaking up with you!" retorted Kyo.

"Ohhh… _KYO_!!"

-

Thirty minutes, a sprained wrist, half a dozen minor cuts, an innumerable amount of bruises, and one ticked-off Kyo later, Kagura was done, Tohru was horrified, Ayame was dramatically finishing his commentary on the situation, Yuki was still trying to convince himself that he was not a part of the Sohma clan, and Shigure was torn between laughing hysterically and crying over the destruction of the lake house.

As it turned out, he Shigure ended up making an odd sound which mixed together snickering and sobbing. Once he realized that everyone was staring strangely at him, he coughed and fell silent for a moment.

Glancing around, he asked, "What?"

Shaking his head, Yuki turned to Kagura and asked, "What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Well, one or two days ago," the boar-cursed explained, "Shigure told me that he was going on a trip to the lake house with Kyo-kun. I couldn't drive up with you because I had a couple of things to do, but then I cleared my schedule and here I am! Beside my love!" And, arms outstretched, she reached forward to embrace the carrot-top.

"Ack!" exclaimed her love, jumping away. "Try and touch me again and I'm getting a restraining order!" Whirling around to face Shigure, he added loudly, "And if you keep doing stupid things like inviting Kagura to come here with us, you're gonna need a restraining order to keep _me_ away!"

"Do you suppose you could get one that'll keep you away from _me_, as well?" Yuki mused.

"Shut up," grumbled Kyo, turning around and shuffling off to finally take his nap.

Oh, yeah. He'd beat that Yuki. When the weather was good and the stars aligned, he'd beat him.

Totally.

* * *

**A/N:** Yeah, I know I said I had an idea for this chappie but (cough) it kinda ended up going "pht!" after the first coupla paragraphs. That is why this installment was mega-short. But I still hope you enjoyed it and keep on the lookout for updates:D 


	7. Prison Break

**Disclaimer:** If I owned them, I would be fluent in Japanese, wouldn't I? However, since the only thing I know is how to ask where the restroom is and how much that sweater costs, I don't think I own "Fruits Basket" or any related characters and objects.

**Flashbacks:** will be presented like )) this ((

**Swearwords:** will be presented like -censored- or -CENSORED-, depending on whether or not I feel like shouting.

**To the readers (AKA you people who loyally keep on reading this story in spite of my non-existent update pattern):** Thank you for continuing to read this! I know you must get really annoyed sometimes (I know how it feels to read stories that are never updated...), and I really appreciate your patience! Just remember what good ol' Mark Twain said:

"Don't put off 'til tomorrow what you can put off 'til the day after tomorrow."

Or something like that.

Words to live by...

**_Life_**

**Seven: Prison Break**

Trapped.

He was in no mood to deal with the stupid snake, perverted dog, or rat-boy, and Kagura was right outside his current sanctuary, banging on the door and asking if she could please come in and "help".

Normally, Kyo would simply jump out the bedroom window and be done with it, but there was no way he would be able to survive five minutes out there with all that rain pouring down.

"I'd curse the cat about it," he muttered, "but that's already been done…"

"My love! Are you talking to yourself?" Kagura's voice cried. "Oh, no! You must be delirious! Let me come nurse you back to health!"

"You try it," grumbled Kyo through gritted teeth, making sure the boar could not distinguish his words. "I dare you to just _try_ it…"

-

Meanwhile, Tohru and the other three Sohmas were setting up the main room for their indoor camping expedition. The onigiri, setting up a few pillows around an electric lantern on the floor as a substitute campfire-story-telling location, seemed oblivious to the disaster that ensued as Yuki, Shigure, and Ayame attempted to erect a few tents.

"Ahhh…" Ayame was saying, "how, exactly, is this tent-pitching business accomplished…?"

Yuki stuck a booklet all of an inch from his brother's face, saying, "This is called an 'instruction manual'. If you read it—although the question of your literacy is still foremost in my mind—I'm pretty sure that even someone as awesomely _idiotic_ as you will be able to put up a tent."

"Thank you, my darling otooto!" exclaimed the snake, flinging his arms around Yuki and beaming to Shigure, "He called me 'awesome'!"

Shigure, just to further annoy the nezumi, agreed, "How wonderful! I can manage on my own—you two should work together on a tent!"

Yuki, still stuck in Ayame's imitation of Kagura's patented hug-of-death, struggled to break free, eyes wide with horror. He finally smacked his forehead into his brother's nose, startling the fashionista into releasing him.

"I'll work alone," stated the silver-haired teen insistently.

"NONSENSE!!" Ayame boomed, throwing his hands and, consequently, the instruction manual into the air. "Two heads are better than one!"

"Except when one of them has the mental capacity of a walnut," Yuki deadpanned.

"Oh, do not underestimate yourself, brother!"

…

Coolly looking over to the dog, Yuki commented, "I hope you realize that, if Ayame and I have to do this together, there will not be enough of him left to bury."

"Oh, don't be a prima donna, Yuki-kun!" scoffed Shigure.

Yuki, eyebrows almost melding with his lashes as he glared at the writer, remarked, "I hear that you can get a wonderful tan in purgatory this time of year."

"Whatever do you—ohhhhhh…." Shigure gave a big, eyes-closed smile before sliding down to quietly start work on one of the tents.

Ayame, who was beaming at the rat, was somewhat put off when Yuki said, "Well, don't wait for _me_. You start on that tent—" He pointed to a red canvas. "—and I'll start on this." He pointed to a blue one.

The next few moments were silent, much to Yuki's relief, as he began on the blue tent. This lovely quiet was broken, however, when there was a cry of, "BUT WE MUST WORK TOGETHER!!"

And, before he could protest, Ayame had grabbed the instruction manual and opened it, proclaiming happily, "I will read the directions for you, Yun-Yun, and you can do as I tell you!"

"Joy," muttered Yuki, lowering his forehead to the palm of his hand.

"Yes, this is such a joyful occasion!" agreed the serpent.

Yuki, head still in his hand, cast a sideways glare in his brother's direction.

"Well, get to it! 'First," Ayame read from the manual, "sort the parts'."

"Oh, I will," mumbled the rat-cursed, beginning to put different supplies in separate piles. "I'll bury his arms in the lake, legs in the woods, torso under the house, and keep his inflated head as a trophy!"

"Are you finished sorting?"

"Yes, nii-san," Yuki replied through gritted teeth.

"Now 'connect parts A and B, C and D, E and F, and G and H, using the parts in the bag labeled 'I'. Screwdriver not included.'"

Shaking the screws out of bag I, Yuki wished that he could use them to shut Ayame's mouth. He settled, however, for asking, "Do we have a screwdriver?"

"Nope!" Shigure piped up. "Just be creative, Yun! Like me—look!" He pointed to what looked like a modern art sculpture. The canine seemed so proud, too. Proud, that is, until the work of art suddenly collapsed—then his mouth dropped open as he sweat-dropped.

"It—it—but… I was doing so well!" the writer exclaimed.

"_Well_?" echoed Yuki. "Your tent frame looked like a kite-shaped piece of gray Swiss cheese."

"Yes, I could have won a Leonardo da Vinci International Art Award for sculpture!"

"Or an International Idiots Award for stupid."

"Heyyy…" Shigure protested before pointing out, "Either way, I'm at the top of my field."

"Not quite." Glaring at the dressmaker, Yuki stated, "Ayame managed to beat you out for idiocy."

Shigure and Ayame looked at each other and, a few seconds later…

"Oh, Yuki, you're so _meeeeeeean_!" Shigure cried, throwing his arms around Ayame, who sobbed with him. Very loudly.

This finally got Tohru's attention, and the onigiri jumped up and gasped, "What happened?!"

"Yun is being mean to us!" declared Shigure through his obviously-fake tears.

"Yes! He is being so cruel to his extremely handsome older brother!" Ayame agreed.

"Honda-san, shimasen deshita," Yuki announced his innocence when Tohru looked to him. "I didn't do anything." He smiled at her. "Oh, and by the way: do you know if we have a screwdriver somewhere around here?"

"Ah… um… I-I don't know. But I'll look!" Just before she darted off, she made a somewhat frazzled plea of, "Please, everybody, be nice to each other!"

And the quiet that Tohru heard for her first few minutes of searching seemed to confirm that the three Sohmas were, for the time being, cooperating with one another. Unfortunately, that record was broken when there were two loud yelps and the sound of a door slamming shut.

Temporarily abandoning her search, Tohru hustled back to the main room and blinked in surprise upon seeing Yuki, by himself, doing as much work as he could on two tents without a screwdriver.

"Ah, Honda-san," Yuki said with a seemingly self-satisfied grin. "Did you find a screwdriver?"

"N-not yet," stuttered Tohru. "Um… where are Ayame-san and Shigure-san? And… and I thought we had _three_ tents…."

A slightly cold look crossed his face briefly before he smiled again and tilted his head a bit to one side, explaining, "Oh, they just decided to camp _outside_. They took a tent with them."

"B-but it's raining," Tohru said. "Won't they be cold and hungry out there?"

"You know, that's exactly what I said," mused Yuki, "so I gave them some canned food, a can opener, and a couple of nice fuzzy blankets from one of the bedrooms."

"That was so thoughtful of you, Yuki-kun, to make sure that they were safe outside!" grinned Tohru. "Should I bring them some bottled water, too, and their coats?"

"If you want to," he shrugged, kneeling down to continue on the two remaining tents. "Just remember that they're out there because of nobody but themselves, and they promised me that they wouldn't change their minds and come back inside until tomorrow morning."

"Okay," Tohru smiled obliviously. "If that's what they wanted, I'll make sure they stay outside."

"That's good," Yuki smiled back. "But don't let them talk you into anything. They can't come inside, and I don't want you staying outside with them. It's fine for them, but too cold for you, Honda-san."

"Okay, Yuki-kun," nodded Tohru. "I'll just bring them some water and coats."

"Actually," he thought aloud, standing up again, "maybe I'd better make the run. You might catch a cold."

"Oh, no, no, _no_!" protested the riceball enthusiastically. "You've already done so much for them! Please, let me!"

"Are you sure you'll be alright?" Yuki pressed dubiously.

"Oh, yes! I'll be fine!" Tohru darted off and, in record time, hurried to the door, armed with a gallon container of water and the two older Sohmas' coats.

"Honda-san!"

Tohru stopped in her tracks and turned around. "Eh?"

Yuki wrapped a heavy coat around her shoulders, buttoned the top button, and tied a scarf around the top of her head. "You almost forgot your coat."

"Ah! Thank you, Yuki-kun!" Just prior to leaving, Tohru asked, "When I come back, can we go see how Kyo is doing?"

"I thought Kagura was taking care of him."

"Oh, I'm sure she's doing a wonderful job!" blurted the brunette. "I-I didn't mean to disrespect Kagura-san or insult her ability! I just want to see how Kyo-kun is doing myself!"

"You don't need _my_ permission to visit the stupid cat," Yuki pointed out.

"But will you come with me? It will be more fun visiting if both of us are there, and Kyo-kun and Kagura-san are there, too!"

Seeing Tohru's eager expression, he reluctantly caved in with, "…Fine. But I'll probably leave before you do."

"Wonderful! Oh, ah, not that you're going to leave early—since it would be really nice if you and Kyo-kun could get to know each other better—I meant that you were coming…"

"I understand." Yuki smiled and politely opened the door for her. "Hurry. It's raining harder."

"Okay, Yuki-kun!" And Tohru hurried out to deliver the supplies to the sudden campers.

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks again for reading! Please be warned that I am (in spite of my homebody-ness) a fairly busy person (school, piano and TKD class, taking care of our puppy, attempting to write a story with my original characters, sleeping, eating, and generally just living...), so don't expect a Miracle Update. I hope you enjoyed this last chappie or chappy or however you like it spelled! 


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